Hello followers, newcomers, ect.

So I haven't done this in a while for a few good reasons.

Mainly the one being that I've been extremely busy with school, at which I am now currently finished with until fall. Which means that I will be having to make a few big choice decisions on which school I would actually like to attend, considering the current University that I was at was just completely disorganized, and left me highly disappointed.

The second being that my emotions have been out of control.

I'm starting to discover how easy it is to just pretend that everything is okay, and that I'm doing just fine, when in this reality, I'm really not.

I've had this incredibly bad imagery's of just letting myself go, and being done with it. But that would just be stupid, and overly idiotic. A lot of people wonder why it is that I'm still stuck on Alex, and why I haven't fully moved on yet.

And for those of you that aren't aware of whom Alex is, this will be my blog to tell you about him. He's of great, and vital importance to me, and quite frankly, I loved him, not just as a friend, but I loved him LOVED HIM. And I've never honestly felt that way about anybody in my entire life. So here it goes.

Bare with me.

  Alexander Gabriel Phelps.

I had met him through a girl I once knew, and we had hit it off very well. He was very quiet at first, but soon enough he had opened himself up.

A year went by, and he had gotten in touch with me. That's when he had shared with me that he had  Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. If none of you know what that is, it spreads incredibly fast, and just practically attacks everything in the body. He was so young, but he still fought long and hard. Alex had his good days, and then just his really really bad days, but I refused to give up on him. Over the years we began to grow even more closer, so close to the point that I'm pretty sure that even to this day that he knows quite a bit more about me then any of my other friends do. It's honestly hard for me to find that certain amount of trust in people these days, and till this day, there are only so few that I can actually call my true friends. 

Alex and I had our rough patches, we would fight like an old married couple, but would always come back to one another no matter what. We had made promises too each other that we were going to grow old together, and insult each other on our old age, dentures, and canes. We made plans to travel to Alaska, and back pack through the wild just like Chris McCandless. There were many adventures planned out, but over the time, he just grew more, and more sicker. 

The last time I had ever truly spoken to him, he had sent me a late night message, expressing how he he should've chose me over this girl that he HAD been dating (she treated him horribly), and how he just didn't see it all, and that he should've. He had asked me to be his. And me...being ever so stupid, and afraid of the worst, I fought him on it, and ended up hurting him in the end. We didn't speak for to each other for a month. A week before his death, he sent me another message apologizing for everything, and asking for forgiveness. Alex said that he was getting sicker, but couldn't leave without knowing that there would be no bad blood between us. I forgave him, and said that we were just fine, and that I had hoped that he would get better.

This is where I was stupid, and so closed minded. Instead of telling him how I really felt about things, I just let it go. A week later he passed away, and his sister reached me to reveal the news. I honestly don't think I've ever felt this devestated before. I've only felt mildly close to this way when my great grandmother passed away, but it wasn't nearly anything like this. It's like getting smashed into a break wall several times, then getting your head shoved into a pool of water where there's no room to come up for air. 

Ever since his death I've lived with nothing but regrets. I've thought about everything that I wish I could have said to him, and how I wish that I would've just said that I loved him. There's this hole in my chest that will remain forever empty, and it makes me feel like love will always be a loss, and will never be found. I lost a bigger part of myself, and it's so hard for a lot of people to understand. They just don't get it, and think that this is me just holding onto something tight, and not letting go. Well..I'm not ready to fucking let go. I did that already to him once, and look at what it cost me. It cost me the chance that I could've had with him to share, and say everything. 

This is why I tell people now that you have to make sure that you tell the people that you love, that you fucking love them. That moment to do so can fly by so quickly, and god only knows what the hell is going to happen that day. Anything is possible. You just have to remember to say anything, and everything you feel to the people that you care about the most. Never ever live in a dark cave of regret like what I'm doing right now. It's the most awful feeling you can ever have. 

And honestly, I'm just now at this point where I'm so tired of being so sad, and being so lost. The part of me that says that I don't want to be here anymore and deal with this is increasingly getting stronger, but that other half is telling me that I can't keep doing this too myself. 

I just miss him so much. So much, that I would give anything to have a time machine to make up for the times that I didn't make things better or right. 

I have this email that his sister said that he had saved for me for her to send to me. I read it every single night, have the biggest of cries, and just remember how wonderful of a man Alex was, and still is. I haven't shared this with anyone because I find it incredibly sacred. But tonight, this will be different. 

Just remember, remember to say that I love you to those that are closest to you.